Wild Wild Hellsing in English!
by SUFF
Summary: The first WesternHellsing fanfic on this whole site! So I'm unique! Or not. Bernadotte is a bank robber, the Captain is his sidekick, Walter is a sheriff and Major Max and Maxwell have founded a mafia. Random, or what?
1. Rocking chairs and a desert ride

**Hi, this fanfic was first written in swedish, but since my friend Smily tought that it would be smarter to write in english, I'm now translating it. How trublesome... **

I doesn't own the Hellsing characters. If I did, I would be waisting my time on a lot of meaningless fanfics, but making lots and lots of money in selling figurines and pen cases with ... on them. 

**Hellsing (c) Kouta HiranoI'm Kurki of Hofterup from SUFF since I'm the only one of us who writes stupid Hellsing fanfics with Bernadotte. Fear me!!!**

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The wind blew trough the village and made the leaves dance in pirouettes. On the veranda next to the barbershop sat a man in an old rocking chair. Walter rocked quiescently back and forth and put the green bottle marked with three X's to his mouth and took a few gulps. Alucard really knew about his alcohol. The street in the little village in the countryside was entirely deserted except from a dingo who was resting in the shadow of the bank two blocks away. He sighed and pulled the revolver from the holster on his hip. This wasn't what he was expecting when he had gotten the job as a sheriff when he was moved from his occupation in England.

Bernadotte rode past the old man who sat in the rocking chair with a cat on his lap.  
"So long!" Bernadotte shouted as he increased the speed of the horse by putting his spur into the horse's belly. To celebrate his successful bank robbery he threw some 100 dollar bills into the air and shot three times straight into the air, and shouted loudly.  
"Yahoo!"

The old man in the rocking chair, Walter, stood up and dropped both the cat and the bottle to the ground.  
"What _is_ this manner?" he asked straight into the air, and took his revolver.  
"It's time to show I'm worthy of this star." He stopped for a while and took the chance to polish it a little so that it would shine when he caught the criminal. This of course led to that the bank robber Bernadotte could get away before Walter was done posing and aiming.

Bernadotte continued his ride through the steppe. A man on a white horse, wearing a suit, suspenders and a dusty military cap with an eagle pin and a skull, came to meet him, but neither of them slowed down.  
"Ha, you should have seen their faces in there. And that new police girl who came to help the oldster... What a joke, she just stood there in a corner just if I pointed a little with the revolver. Hiohiohio...", he laughed.  
"...", the man with the cap answered as he was mute.  
"You should come with me someday, Captain. But I'll do the talking.", he made a bad joke.  
"..." the man who Bernadotte addressed as Captain even though it was the Captain who was Bernadotte's sidekick and not the other way around, answered.

The two men arrived to the small hut where they had their secred hideout. Bernadotte took off the scarf which he had worn over his face and threw off the leather jacket onto one of the two chairs who were standing next to a chest which seemed to be used as a table because there was some abandoned leftovers of their last meatball dinner left on it.  
Bernadotte opened the bag and tossed the money into the air so they became a pretty showoff.  
"...", the Captain shouted he muttered a bit and picked up a bunch of empty signs and a bucket of paint.  
_"What are you planning to do with that money?" _He wrote on it, took a new sign and started to write another message.  
_"And what are we going to do about the police girld who have been following us around this whole time?"  
_But since Bernadotte already had fallen to sleep on top of a potato sack, he didn't notice the Captain's signs even though he had painted some exclamation marks onto them.

A loud knocking made the halting door fall off the hinges. In the door stood a blonde woman with a nicely polished star attached to the check shirt. With her straw hat put back to her neck, and with a straw in her mouth, she started to speak with a broad dialect.

_Cliffhanger!! -Singing- And some spoiling: It's Seras who's coming, and she's wearing suspender jeans!! XD ...I don't like Seras... The next part will come soon, don't wait because I write poorly and random and you shoudn't read!!_


	2. Suspender jeans and meatballs

**Disclaimer:**

Who needs to write that one doesn't own the characters when it's a fanfic? O.o Well, anyway: obviously I don't own the Hellsing characters. Just the Nazi Captain's cap. It's pretty :3

_Behold ze power of Randomness!_

_**Flashback:  
**__Bernadotte has robbed a bank and sheriff Walter's new assistant shows up at Bernadotte's and his sidekick the Captain's secret hideout._

"Did you really think you could escape, eeeh?"  
The blonde woman moved the straw to the other side of her mouth and pointed her gun towards Bernadotte's head and pulled the trigger. But luckily she was a bad marksman and only hit the brim of his hat so that it fell off and fell to the floor. A hole could be seen in the front and it smoked a bit.  
"…", the Captain shouted when he picked up and dusted off the hat, and put it back on Bernadotte's head. Because no main character is complete without a trademark hat.

"Fuck it", the blond woman whose name was Seras Victoria, as we could read in the last chapter's spoiler, swore.  
"You robbed the bank in my district, something you're going to regret", Seras proclaimed loudly and reloaded her gun.

Bernadotte sighed and pulled a shiny Colt out of its holster, and pointed it at Seras.  
"Yippee ki yay, police girl…", he said and fired two shots. Both of them hit Seras' forehead and she sank to the floor in a bloody pile.

"…", the Captain stated calmly.

The dingo, who was earlier resting in the shadow of the robbed bank, entered through the door and started to gnaw on one of Seras' fingers. After a few bites he gripped the collar of her shirt and pulled her into the desert to eat the rest of her.

Bernadotte himself blew the smoke off the barrel like a real cowboy and put the revolver back into the holster.  
"Now we have some less to take care of. Well?" He turned to the Captain.  
"Is there any food left? I'm starving…"  
"…", the Captain answered and pointed to the few meatballs which were left on the chest/table.  
"Ah, perfect! Nothing beats your meatballs!"  
Bernadotte sat down and put on his robber's scarf again, but this time to prevent the lingonberry jam from staining his shirt.

He had just pierced a lingonberry jam covered meatball onto his fork when someone came storming through the door. This someone was dressed in a cassock, a much too small woven poncho and a colorful sombrero.  
"Onions, bell peppers, jalapeno, olives, minced meat sauce, hot sausage, taco spice mix, AMEN!", the man with the sombrero, who apparently was a priest, and from Mexico, shouted.  
"Amen Caramba! What do I see? Swedish meatballs? What's that, eeeh?"  
"Umm, meatballs? And who are you, if I might ask?!"  
"I'm father Alexander Alberto Anderson!" he said and threw himself over the meatballs and poured them into a black trash bag. During the course of three seconds, all the traces of the meatballs' existence had been erased by a quick fire on the floor of the hut. And in an equally short time they had been replaced with a complete taco dinner, with unrelated spaghetti for two on the chest/table.  
"….!" the Captain shouted. He picked up his signs once again and scribbled;  
_"What the hell do you think you're doing with my meatballs!?!?"_  
But Anderson had already disappeared into the desert on his one-wheeled bike, shouting "Amen caramba!"

_Etoooo, it seemed to get a little bloody... What did I rate this as? ...Sorry all you innocent kids who read this… But if you're reading the Hellsing manga it should be okay… __Gomen… _


	3. Potato bags and bratwurst

**Wild Wild Hellsing 3**

I don't own Hellsing.

_"Each time a rubber duck get mashed, a catholic dies."_

_**Flashback:  
**Bernadotte has robbed a bank, and Seras, who followed him and the Captain to their secret hideout, got shot in the head by Bernadotte, and dragged out in the desert by a dingo. Then the mexican Anderson came and burned the Captain's meatballs and disappeared into the desert._

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"...", the Captain said and shadowed his eyes with a hand so that he could glance out in the desert despite the strong sun.  
"You're right. And I won't rest until I caught him. I should just..." Bernadotte yawned and looked backwards at the sack of potatoes.  
"Sleep a bit.", he ended the sentence and laid back on the lumpy sack that probably wasn't comfortable at all. In a minute you could hear rough snorings from him.  
The Captain wondered how he could fall asleep so quickly, when he had to chase the mexican on the on the one-wheeled bike. But he shrugged his shoulders and picked up a guide book about how to cheat in poker, and waited for his comrade to wake up.

Bernadotte heaped cornflakes in to his mouth and put on his hat with the bullet hole. He trew a glance at the now compleatly opened door and the desert outside. The sun had started to sink and trew shadows over the few bushes of the steppe.  
He turned around in the door opening and called after the Captain, but he was already wearing the suspenders and the dusty military cap, on his white horse and held the reins to Bernadottes black stallion.  
Bernadotte lauged a bit and pulled down the hat in a over dramatical way.  
"Time for revenge?"  
The Captain of course said nothing, only nodded. Bernadotte sat up on the horse in slow motion and they both started to ride straight out on the steppe with no idea were to go.

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Far away, in a much more modern institution than Bernadotte's hut, two men sat an lauged viciously. One of them was much taller than the other, and the short one was also a bit chubby. This lead to that they looked like a typical radar couple.  
"Everything is going as planned!" said the tall, thin one.  
"Vell, that's nice to hear! Do you want some cocoa?" asked the other one, the short and chubby one.  
These are, of course, this story's villains, since they are laughing grimly and planing evil stuff.

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The hero Bernadotte rode towards the sunset with a epic soundtrack in the background.

They followed the traces och Anderson's one wheeled bike, even though all of them logically should have disappeared. But since Bernadotte logically never should have shot a woman and Seras actually has a good aim, they still could follow the trace. Otherwise, I don't know how to explain how they were able to meet a man wearing white and strange glasses.

Bernadotte pulled the stallion's reins to stop it, and the Captain did the same with his white horse.  
Bernadotte looked at the man dressed in white doubtingly.  
"You haven't seen a man with a sombrero on a one wheeled bike?"

The man in the labcoat pulled a sausage from his pocket and started to eat before answering the question,  
"Ja, why do you ask?" He offered the half sausage to Bernadotte.  
"Bratwurst?" he asked politely, but Bernadotte declined.  
"But when did you see him? We're in the middle of our revenge!" The dramatical background music increased a bit in volume.  
"It must have been a week ago... Anderson came and offered everyone donuts."  
Bernadotte shook his head.  
"No, today... Wait! Do you know him?!" The music volume increased even more.  
"..." the Captain asked. The man in the labcoat just looked at him stupidly through his thick glasses.

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_To the one that reviewed; Yes, Seras got shot, but she IS a vampire so she'll be back in the next chapter (spoiling).  
Otherwise, I don't have any random comments to stuff here, except that I want to thank my friend Kaz for translating and correcting this fanfic from Swedish (Wild Wild Hellsing). Danke schön!_


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